The Catholic Church Churns Out Another Winner

This Cross-Dressing, Meth-Dealing, Sex Shop-Owning Catholic Priest Knows How To Party

I've only been to confession a couple of times and not once did the priest end our session by saying, "Say ten Hail Marys and before you go in peace, would you like to buy some meth?" I feel so cheated.

I've been waiting for the Global Catholic Network to get into scripted television and now here's the perfect plot for their first dramedy. Monsignor Kevin Wallin, former pastor at St. Augustine's Cathedral in Bridgeport, CT, was charged earlier this month for being part of a nationwide drug ring. The CTPost (via JMG) says that Msgr. Kevin was indicted on six charges and he could face a life sentence if convicted. St. Augustine's issued a statement saying that they are "shocked," but that they stand by him and are ready to help him through this difficult time. But the fuckery doesn't stop there. This isn't just your regular old-fashioned Catholic priest turned meth dealer story.

Msgr. Kevin resigned as pastor of St. Augustine's two years ago due to "health and personal problems." "Health and personal problems" is just Catholic priest talk for "getting caught with legal dick up your ass, " because the CTPost says that he was forced to resign after the church found out that he was fucking "odd-looking" cross dressers in the rectory while wearing women's clothes. (More like fucking in the rectumory.) Church officials also found sex toys in Msgr. Kevin's room. They suspended him and continued to pay him a stipend all the way up until he was arrested for selling meth.

After Msgr. Kevin left the church, he continued to sell meth and at his peak, he was making $9,000 a week. He used some of that money to open up a sex shop in North Haven called Land of Oz. Investigators believe that he used the store to launder the thousands of dollars he made in selling meth. Msgr. Kevin still kept in contact with officials from the Catholic church and he used to go see musicals with his mentor, former N.Y. Cardinal Edward Egan and parishioners

A rep for the Diocese said:

"We had no indication he had a drug problem and never had complaints regarding him and drugs. We approached him and he admitted he was struggling a bit and shortly after that he resigned (July 2011) and the bishop granted him a sabbatical.

The rep went on to say, "And at least he wasn't raping underage boys. That's a first!"

So to recap: Msgr. Kevin is a meth-addicted, drug-dealing former Catholic priest who hollered out show tunes while getting butt banged by a cross dresser in the rectory. Walter White seriously has nothing on this bitch! If priests told stories like this during mass, I'd be in church every single night. Hell, I'd be in church right now. These are the kind of stories I want to hear.

When the CTPost asked one of St. Augustine's parishioners for a quote, she said, "There is an evil invading our world and it has come to our church."

Well, somebody's jealous that Msgr. Kevin looks sexier than she does in a pink négligée