Canada Prepares For Inevitable U.S. Invasion !!!!

Flush With Oil From Alberta, Canada Prepares For Inevitable U.S. Invasion

OTTAWA, ON—It’s a subject the Canadian military high command doesn’t like to discuss, but one that’s taken on an increasing sense of urgency since the discovery of massive oil reserves in the Alberta tar sands: how to defend Canada from imminent U.S. invasion.

A highly-placed military source in the Harper government, speaking off the record, confirmed that Canada is actively preparing for an American attack. “Look, we can all see the pattern here: if a country has significant oil reserves, the United States will find a pretext to invade. Iraq, Libya—frankly, it’s either us or Iran next,” he said.
“We don’t know if the pretext will be our treatment of First Peoples, Tim Horton’s entry into the New England market, or the preemptive fight to free the world from another Justin Bieber, but believe me: the Yanks are coming,” the official added

A U.S. State Department spokesperson, Edward Voreck, would neither confirm nor deny that the U.S. had plans to invade, but he did express concerns about the state of democracy in Canada. “The recent tainted elections of [Prime Minister Stephen] Harper and [Toronto Mayor Rob] Ford – the former by the discovery that the Conservative leader was in fact made entirely of copper tubing, the latter by excessive amounts of hot dog grease – show that the peace-loving citizens of Canada are suffering under the jack boot of totalitarian regimes that do not represent their best interests.”

“If the Canadian people ask us, the United States has a moral obligation to intervene and preserve freedom in this God-forsaken, backwards part of the world that just happens to be rich in natural resources,” Voreck added.

The response from the Canadian side was swift and unequivocal: “If anyone is going to completely destroy the pristine beauty of our glorious Canada in search of non-renewable polluting fossil fuels, it will be Canadian oil companies with help from our allies the People’s Republic of China--not the running dogs of U.S. imperialism,” proclaimed Stephen Harper at a hastily arranged news conference.

“Our Mounties stand ready to drive your forces back into Montana, and mark my words: they will be very polite about it,” Harper added.